The Onion - 2 hours ago

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The Onion - 2 hours ago

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CINCINNATI—The Bengals reached a contract agreement with wide receiver Terrell Owens Tuesday, signing the outspoken six-time Pro Bowler to an ex

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The Onion - 2 hours ago

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After only nine starts, Strasburg's incredible speed, motion, and control have made this pitcher the most exciting rookie baseball has seen in years.

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The Onion - 2 hours ago

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The Onion - 13 hours ago

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The Onion - 13 hours ago

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Seven-time champ Armstrong will almost certainly retire from cycling following his crash-ridden swan song in this year's Tour, but he leaves fans with

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The Onion - 13 hours ago

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ZURICH, SWITZERLAND—Scientists announced that experimentation on mice has been motivated out of sheer distaste for the rodents.

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The Onion - 13 hours ago

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The Onion - 13 hours ago

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PITTSBURGH—Announcing a crucial breakthrough in the effort to create machines that accurately simulate human behavior, researchers at Carnegie M

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The Onion - 13 hours ago

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The U.S. Congress passed legislation reducing the disparity of sentencing for crack cocaine possession versus powder cocaine from 100:1 to 18:1.

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The Onion - 13 hours ago

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TEMPE, AZ—BCS 9000, the sentient heuristic computer responsible for arranging five championship bowl games at the end of each college football s

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The Onion - 13 hours ago

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The Onion - 13 hours ago

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LAS VEGAS, NV—A gambling-addiction study by researchers at UNLV's Gaming Studies Research Center has "gotten way out of hand," sources close to the pr

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The Onion - 13 hours ago

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Television technology has been improving for decades, to the point where anyone anywhere in the country has access to hundreds of quality cable channe

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The Onion - 13 hours ago

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ATLANTA—Patrons of Valentine's Tavern were visibly crestfallen Tuesday when their pleasant evening of drinking and conversing with friends was s

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The Onion - 13 hours ago

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At an event earlier this month, Tennessee gubernatorial candidate Ron Ramsey questioned whether Islam was a religion or a cult, drawing criticism from

The Onion - 13 hours ago

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WASHINGTON—With unemployment at its highest level in decades, the U.S. Department of Labor issued a report Tuesday suggesting the crisis is prim

The Onion - 2010-07-29 10:02:34

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At an event earlier this month, Tennessee gubernatorial candidate Ron Ramsey questioned whether Islam was a religion or a cult, drawing criticism from

The Onion - 2010-07-29 10:02:30

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WASHINGTON—With unemployment at its highest level in decades, the U.S. Department of Labor issued a report Tuesday suggesting the crisis is prim

The Onion - 2010-07-28 22:35:30

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The Onion - 2010-07-28 22:35:26

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BOSTON—Some kind of raving psychopath apparently gnawed through his restraints and burrowed out of the Massachusetts Center For The Criminally Insane

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The Onion - 2010-07-28 22:35:21

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Dear The Onion, I'm color-blind. What's green like? Brian Ackley, Southfield, MI

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The Onion - 2010-07-28 22:35:18

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The Onion - 2010-07-28 22:35:14

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Chelsea Clinton, daughter of former president Bill Clinton and Secretary of State Hillary Clinton, is marrying Marc Mezvinsky this Saturday in a cerem

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The Onion - 2010-07-28 22:35:11

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MIAMI—After weeks of debate over their collective nickname, Lebron James, Chris Bosh, and Dwyane Wade announced yesterday that the newly formed

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The Onion - 2010-07-28 22:35:06

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RALEIGH, NC—As of 11:42 p.m.

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The Onion - 2010-07-28 22:35:03

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After being hit repeatedly by pigeon feces from the rafters of the Verizon Amphitheater in St.

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The Onion - 2010-07-28 22:34:59

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PHILADELPHIA—"The United States would not be the place it is today without these pioneering creeps," said historian Leland Collier.

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The Onion - 2010-07-28 22:34:54

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The Onion - 2010-07-28 22:34:49

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The Onion - 2010-07-28 22:34:47

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Our panelists discuss whether taunting and insults would be an effective strategy to help America's obese children lose weight.

The Onion - 2010-07-28 22:34:41

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Aries Just when it seems that all hope is gone, you'll discover a deep untapped reservoir of hope within you which will soon be gone too. Taurus You'v

The Onion - 2010-07-28 22:34:38

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The Onion - 2010-07-28 22:34:34

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My name is Brian but my dad's name is Sgt. Carrelson and he's a Army guy! He has lots of different guns he shoots with his friends in Iraq and they dr

The Onion - 2010-07-28 22:34:30

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GOTHAM CITY—Supervillain Lady Gaga brazenly abducted Commis≠sioner James Gordon from a charity fundraiser Tuesday, leaving police baffled and

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The Onion - 2010-07-28 22:34:27

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WASHINGTON—During a six-hour committee hearing Sunday at McKenzie's Pub on 14th and G Streets, the U.S.

The Onion - 2010-07-28 22:34:23

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Chilling audio recovered from Flight 1134's data-recording parrot, Banana, contain mentions of "altitude loss", "pretty feathers".

The Onion - 2010-07-27 18:49:34

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The Onion - 2010-07-27 18:49:31

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Our panelists discuss whether taunting and insults would be an effective strategy to help America's obese children lose weight.

The Onion - 2010-07-27 18:49:27

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Aries Just when it seems that all hope is gone, you'll discover a deep untapped reservoir of hope within you which will soon be gone too. Taurus You'v

The Onion - 2010-07-27 18:49:24

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The Onion - 2010-07-27 18:49:20

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My name is Brian but my dad's name is Sgt. Carrelson and he's a Army guy! He has lots of different guns he shoots with his friends in Iraq and they dr

The Onion - 2010-07-27 18:49:14

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WASHINGTON—During a six-hour committee hearing Sunday at McKenzie's Pub on 14th and G Streets, the U.S.

The Onion - 2010-07-27 18:49:10

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Chilling audio recovered from Flight 1134's data-recording parrot, Banana, contain mentions of "altitude loss", "pretty feathers".

The Onion - 2010-07-27 18:49:06

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Scientists studying the terrain around Stonehenge may have discovered the foundation of a wooden Stonehenge.

The Onion - 2010-07-27 08:25:48

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The Onion - 2010-07-27 08:25:44

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CHICAGO—Recent college graduate Tyler Hill announced Monday his plans to single-handedly shatter European ideas about American travelers during

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The Onion - 2010-07-27 08:25:41

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Guillermo del Toro, director of Pan's Labyrinth and Hellboy, announced that his next project would be directing The Haunted Mansion, a film based on t

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The Onion - 2010-07-27 08:25:36

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SAN DIEGO—In an effort to reignite the fading passion between the Padres and Dodgers, the Petco Park grounds crew set the mood for a romantic ni

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The Onion - 2010-07-25 04:17:38

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NEW YORK—Hall of Famer Yogi Berra expressed frustration and disappointment during a press conference Monday, asking why the Yankees organization

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