The Onion - 12 hours ago

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NEW YORK—Cool guys Shawn Goldstein, 26 (left) and Walt Traxel, 26 (right) just hang out Tuesday afternoon. Please check back in for updates as T

The Onion - 12 hours ago

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In response to President Obama's call for compromise, several lawmakers have concocted their own health care reform bills. Here are some...

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The Onion - 12 hours ago

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In a long-term study that surveyed the drinking habits of 20,000 women, those who consumed moderate amounts of alcohol were more likely to keep their.

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The Onion - 2010-03-10 19:31:50

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KNOXVILLE, TN--Donald Miller told his campaign manager to tell the people that Tennessee would be better off with a more confident, outgoing represent

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The Onion - 2010-03-10 19:31:44

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The Onion - 2010-03-10 19:31:36

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TORONTO—The Raptors medical staff announced Tuesday that Chris Bosh will miss the rest of the season after the inquisitive forward cut open his

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The Onion - 2010-03-10 19:31:30

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SPRINGDALE, AR—The dynamic processes by which matter and energy function in the physical world ground to a halt Thursday night as 7-year-old...

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The Onion - 2010-03-10 19:31:21

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Onion Radio News - with Doyle Redland

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The Onion - 2010-03-10 19:31:16

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WASHINGTON—Without an illustration, chart, or embedded YouTube video to ease them in, millions of dumbfounded citizens from Maine to California

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The Onion - 2010-03-10 19:31:11

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CHICAGO—Subjects who drank five glasses or more showed an increased ability to recall each time their mothers had been unsupportive of boyfriend

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The Onion - 2010-03-10 19:31:05

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News In Photos

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The Onion - 2010-03-10 19:30:59

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When tablet computers first reared their heads in the '90s, they were quickly written off as low-powered machines that were kind of neat, but not...

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The Onion - 2010-03-10 19:30:55

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DALLAS—During last Wednesday's game against the Phoenix Suns, Mavericks center Dirk Nowitzki reportedly told teammates that he "needed a sec" af

The Onion - 2010-03-10 19:30:50

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2,000 MILES BENEATH BAVARIA, GERMANY—Mytron the Fifth, Illuminati ruler and secret mastermind of the entire human race since the year 8449...

The Onion - 2010-03-10 19:30:44

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Since 2008, the number of people who don't believe in global warming has doubled to 16 percent. What do you think?

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The Onion - 2010-03-10 19:30:44

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Excruciating up-to-the-minute coverage of some irrelevant bullshit story that has no ramifications whatsoever.

The Onion - 2010-03-10 19:30:39

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WASHINGTON, DC—Though officials are vague about what year NOW was founded, they do say a women's organization is only as old as it feels.

The Onion - 2010-03-10 19:30:35

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KANSAS CITY, MO—Oh man, sources confirmed that it looks as though Paul Martinelli, that irritating guy from sales, is going to give you an entir

The Onion - 2010-03-10 19:30:24

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ATLANTA—A study of the effects of antidepressants on sleep patterns was derailed this week when the experiment's out-of-control...

The Onion - 2010-03-10 19:30:20

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A study of American teens shows that one in five has unhealthy cholesterol levels. What do you think?

The Onion - 2010-03-10 19:30:16

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CLEARWATER, KS—"Cramps are a natural part of your new monthly visitor," a sentence halfway down the first page read, one of roughly a half dozen

The Onion - 2010-03-07 13:25:03

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News In Photos

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The Onion - 2010-03-07 13:24:59

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STATEN ISLAND, NY—During a recent screening of WWE Friday Night SmackDown, wrestling enthusiast David Graziano fluctuated between an awareness t

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The Onion - 2010-03-07 13:24:55

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Onion Radio News - with Doyle Redland

The Onion - 2010-03-07 13:24:52

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HOUSTON—With the challenges accompanying his developmental disorder widening the already vast gulf between his parents, autistic child Evan Thom

The Onion - 2010-03-06 10:43:46

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Onion Radio News - with Doyle Redland

The Onion - 2010-03-06 10:43:42

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HOUSTON—With the challenges accompanying his developmental disorder widening the already vast gulf between his parents, autistic child Evan Thom

The Onion - 2010-03-06 00:28:53

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WATERBURY, CT—While skimming an SI.com article about Patriots quarterback Tom Brady, local roofer Ernest Wilkinson, 46, told reporters Thursday

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The Onion - 2010-03-06 00:28:48

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California lawmaker Dean Florez has introduced a bill that would tax soda and other sugary drinks one cent for every teaspoon of caloric sweetener...

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The Onion - 2010-03-06 00:28:45

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News In Photos

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The Onion - 2010-03-06 00:28:40

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SHIPPENSBURG, PA—At first glance, 17-year-old Jeremy Davis looks like any other member of the Shippensburg Lions wrestling team. He jostles for

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The Onion - 2010-03-06 00:28:35

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Onion Radio News - with Doyle Redland

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The Onion - 2010-03-06 00:28:31

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CHICAGO—The Greek has his foreign newspaper air-mailed here rather than read the good old Chicago Tribune.

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The Onion - 2010-03-06 00:28:26

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Item! Anyone who's read my column in the past knows that I am pretty outspoken about the Oscars. Even though I readily admit it's...

The Onion - 2010-03-06 00:28:22

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Panelists discuss how the decline of the newspaper industry will affect the loons and shut-ins who rely on newspapers for stacking around their ramsha

The Onion - 2010-03-06 00:28:16

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LOS ANGELES—Though it once stood proud as a majestic and much-celebrated Super Bowl ad—captivating an audience of millions with its...

The Onion - 2010-03-06 00:28:11

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The recent earthquake in Chile shifted the axis of the earth 3 inches and made the day 1.26 microseconds shorter. What do you think?

The Onion - 2010-03-06 00:28:07

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SAN DIEGO—In an effort to pass the time, houseguest Kevin Keegan will continue finding interesting patterns in the texture of the ceiling's stuc

The Onion - 2010-03-04 12:38:42

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Item! Anyone who's read my column in the past knows that I am pretty outspoken about the Oscars. Even though I readily admit it's...

The Onion - 2010-03-04 12:38:37

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Panelists discuss how the decline of the newspaper industry will affect the loons and shut-ins who rely on newspapers for stacking around their ramsha

The Onion - 2010-03-04 12:38:32

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LOS ANGELES—Though it once stood proud as a majestic and much-celebrated Super Bowl ad—captivating an audience of millions with its...

The Onion - 2010-03-04 12:38:26

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The recent earthquake in Chile shifted the axis of the earth 3 inches and made the day 1.26 microseconds shorter. What do you think?

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The Onion - 2010-03-04 12:38:25

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SAN DIEGO—In an effort to pass the time, houseguest Kevin Keegan will continue finding interesting patterns in the texture of the ceiling's stuc

The Onion - 2010-03-04 00:17:49

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The Onion - 2010-03-04 00:17:45

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VANCOUVER—Following a disappointing 98.5-meter effort that onlookers described as a "longish hop" or "sort of a flutter," ski jumper Hans Pavelk

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The Onion - 2010-03-04 00:17:41

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IDAHO SPRINGS, CO—Described by medical personnel as "a real whopper," a 9-pound infant came hurtling down the birth canal of 27-year-old...

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The Onion - 2010-03-04 00:17:37

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A programming bug in Sony's PlayStation 3 caused error messages to crop up this week, and the manufacturer urged owners not to use the gaming console.

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The Onion - 2010-03-04 00:17:33

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Onion Radio News - with Doyle Redland

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The Onion - 2010-03-04 00:17:28

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MOUNTAIN VIEW, CA—"Whether you're Michael Paulson who lives at 3425 Longview Terrace and makes $86,400 a year, or Jessica Goldblatt from Lynnwoo

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The Onion - 2010-03-04 00:17:24

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KIGALI, RWANDA--Wracked by years of famine and political unrest, Rwanda bought a plant in an effort to "brighten things up."

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